The Sex Superintendent: Getting With The Ladies (Part 2)
DISCLAIMER: Please be advised that The Sex Superintendent is not intended for younger readers or your creepy uncle, yes Gary, we mean you.
Salt n Pepa sung about it, your parents embarrassingly keep trying to explain it to you and your friends endlessly brag or complain about it. Yep, you guessed it. Sex. And contemporary sex guru, The Sex Superintendent, is gonna talk about it. From riding crops to feet worship, safewords and lube, she’s been been there and err … done that. A sex positive, body positive feminist, she’s Vulture’s own ethical femme fatale and she’s here to help with all your questions, doubts, false alarms and early finishes. Not rashes though, you should probably go to a doctor for that.
Part 1 uncovered the delights of kissing and boobs, giving you tried and tested advice to make you a better lover. Don’t get excited, this isn’t a step by step guide of how to perfectly eat pussy or how to introduce your vanilla girlfriend to fetish. That’s another story … rather this is a commonsense guide on how to treat a woman right when you’re giving her the D.
Getting out of your clothes is never going to be sexy no matter what movies tell you. So don’t sweat it. It might even be funny. And that’s okay. Laugh. Make a joke about skinny jeans and move on. That said it’s really hot when someone knows how to unclip a bra. Some of my most memorable moments of foreplay have centred around being undressed. Being the sub that I am, having my partner undress me definitely plays into my desire to be dominated. Sometimes my ex would hold me down by the wrists to calm me and I had to lay there not touching him or myself while he slowly removed my clothing. It was agony and I had to really focus on not writhing around and this subsequently got me out of my head horny.
If you get nervous at the crucial moment and have a case of butter fingers, a failsafe method is playfully pushing a woman around so her back is to you, you can easily unclip your bra having full sight of it. You can also kiss the back of her neck for added seduction points.
Everyone’s different though and every time you have you have sex is different – that’s one of the reasons it’s so great – so even if you’re partner is usually a bit more reserve/submissive there will be times where she rips off all your clothes and her own.
I would say in my experience it’s half and half, most of the time. It’s just more practical that way. Dudes know more about their flys and women understand the intricate openings and closures of their own clothing – your lustful hands ripping our designer blouses is probably not conducive to getting us in the mood.
However, I do usually pull men’s jeans or trousers down and since they are nine times out of ten of the ‘skinny leg’ variety, it ends up being an awkward, giggly moment where they have to give me a helping hand, giving us a few seconds to look into each other’s eyes and smile and laugh together. #cute
When you first get into someone’s home or bedroom remember to remove your socks when you take your shoes off. The worst thing is being completely naked with some scuffed up socks on. Leaving them on is only acceptable when you know for a fact that the woman has a fetish or interest in footwear, namely runners. The only other time footwear should remain on is in those spontaneous moments where you are in public, say like, shagging in a car or a public bathroom. The overwhelming and passionate urge to have sex in public or while standing up is an exciting and special thing that doesn’t come round often, so embrace it and don’t give a second thought to how unsexy your naked body looks with business socks and brogues on.
A vagina isn’t a dick. Please remember this whenever you are so lucky as to be with one up-close-and-personal. A vagina is one of the most sensitive and complex organs of a woman’s body and should be treated with care. For fuck’s sake, the clitoris alone is home to an estimated 8,000 nerve endings. So, there shall be no ramming or slamming when you first arrive south of the bush. Okay? Good.
A vagina is like … a wild horse. Okay, bad anology. Just stay with me. You can’t ride it straight away. You have to coax it, be gentle with it, stroke its mane, whisper to it before it trusts you. So what I’m really saying is when you get to pussy town, go slow.
If you’ve done everything right leading up to this point, your lady will be lubricated. If you reach down with your finger and slide it up and down the centre where her two lips meet and it doesn’t feel slippery you should probably do some more kissing and breast worship. Sometimes, a woman will push your hand down there and that’s a good indication for when she feels ready to be touched. As I said before do not ram anything into her vagina no matter how excited you are or you will risk hurting her or making her feel violated.
Be gentle at first, try things and figure out what she likes. Start by rubbing her inner labia and clitoris and only then insert a finger into her vagina. Start with one. Don’t get overzealous, one is often enough and no matter what porn tells you three fingers will be too much unless she’s a seasoned fistee.
There will be times in a woman’s life when it’s difficult to get to slip and slide level. Age, where she is on her menstrual cycle and yeast infections are just some of the things that can throw a vagina out of balance. If she isn’t that wet, she probably knows it. Don’t draw attention to it and just use lube or lick your fingers before you touch her. Simple. Please note that the lube I’m referring to is one that you buy in a sex shop not at Super Cheap Auto. When purchasing lube, choose water based options, they’re good for her vagina and they don’t deteriorate the latex of the condom.
Listen to your lady’s instructions or moaning to figure out whether to go fast or slow, to focus on just external or internal stimulation or both. Ramming your finger in and out of her pussy can sometimes for some people be a hot experience as it reminds them of a dick. But for a lot of women their two bullseyes are their g-spot or their clitoris.
When you’re digits are inside of her, make a ‘come here’ curly finger motion. You’ll hit the magical g-spot, the walnut textured front bit of her vagina. Repeat and repeat! Chicks dig it. You can thank me after you’ve given your lady her first orgasms (of many) of the night.
Onto the elusive clitoris … look, if you are unsure of where it is located, look at some anatomy pictures. There are many on the Internet. I find the photos and drawings on the Wikipedia entry entitled ‘Clitoris’ to be informative. You should probably also spend some quality time with your face buried in your lady’s crotch with the lights on to really get familiar with her body.
Please note that the clitoris is probably a little higher than where you think it is, do not get it confused with our urethral opening. Believe me, someone continuously rubbing your pee hole is not pleasurable. It’s uncomfortable and it’s pretty embarrassing when your partner tells you “that’s not it”.
Finally, and I cannot stress this enough, listen to her. Go slow at first and don’t be afraid to ask what she likes. Spreading her labia or asking for her help is probably the best idea when it comes to locating her clitoris and as always keep in mind that consent and safety are musts when having sex. Open communication and equally giving and taking is what will lead to the best time in the bedroom.