Scott Dooley reviews The Voice Final

I have never watched an episode of The Voice, I have very little idea about what happens so I decided to share the experience of watching The Voice for the first time with you.   I just hope it’s not as frightening as The Block, Dan lending the bobcat seemed to be a rare misstep, and during outdoor week, it’s one that could cost them come elimination(??)

 

“I imagine that if she does win, Delta will trick her into signing a contract because she can’t read and the contract will force her work in a mine.”

 

7:33pm – It’s starting, there seems to be a recap. Apparently Sarah “rocked the house” and Clarese “released the beast”.  Lionel Richie also performed, it’s unclear whether he was a contestant.

7:36pm – A man with a fashionable haircut, a very trendy, very black suit and a large head welcomes me, this is Darren, he introduces me to the judges, and tells me to expect a world exclusive, the top four performing with the judges.  He then throws to my top four singing a Fleetwood Mac song. The camera cuts to the judges, Seal, (that explains why he sang at the Rugby League), Delta, Keith and Benji dancing.  They individually look like the biggest dorks in the world.  What’s this? More people joining in the fun? The stage is now full of hyper-styled funsters singing.  Also, one of the top four, has trouble with camera. 

7:41pm – Joel! Not Benji, thinks that this is one of the most special nights of his career, sadly he’s probably right.  Rachel and Delta have had a spectacular journey together.  Keith says his ready to sing.  Darren makes sure that everyone is “pumped”.

7:45pm – Darren throws to a package that will tell us all about Seal, Delta, Keith and Joel, it’s basically the judges talking about each other, the general consensus is that they’re all great. But not as great as the show that brought these “friends for life” together.   Darren yells that something incredible is going to happen after the break.  I’m hooked.  And by hooked, I mean really struggling to handle this.

7:50pm – Does Darren have a weird accent?  No time to stew on that, Faustina is talking to Team Joel in the V room, they believe that Sarah’s secret lies in the fact that they did a huddle to send her love vibes.  Team Delta feels that Rachel has overcome a lot.  What?  This sounds like a back-story.  A tragic, game-changing back story.  Was she robbed?  Dead parents is my bet.  Dead parents.  So sad.

7:52pm – Joel and Sarah show us what went into their duet, they’re covering Bruno Mars.  That’s right, 60 plus years of popular music, they can sing any song in the history of music and they’ve gone with a number from Bruno Mars.  It’s like going to karaoke and choosing a song by Bruno Mars.  Joel is serious about this, he even removed his toothpick to make his point.

7:54pm – Joel and Sarah perform their song, all I can think about is how Rachel’s parents died, car accident? Drink driver? That son of a bitch… HOLY SHIT! The stage is on fire, I hope Rachel’s parents didn’t die in a fire, that would be really insensitive.  Or maybe gamesmanship from Team Joel.   Also, who’s the mean judge?  Not Keith, too Australian.  Not Seal, that would be racist.  Not Joel, he doesn’t seem smart enough.  Delta?  She does have a bit of a Cruella DeVille quality.  It’s hard to tell.   Standing O for Joel and Sarah, Joel celebrates by mugging for the camera like a dickhead.

8:02pm – Darren’s back, teasing me with the end of the show.  Seal and Carrise are going to perform Many Rivers to Cross.  Seal thinks that Carrisse is the voice of a generation, my generation.  Is it Clarisse or Carisse?  This is moot, who is going to vote against the girl with dead parents?  Or do they all have dead parents?  That would be a dark Mother’s Day Episode.  Another standing O.  Before the ads, the weirdest thing happened, the camera panned to the other judges who seemed to be having a private conversation but they were critiquing Seal’s performance, Keith felt they were “in the moment”.  Up next the girl with the dead parents!!

8:12pm – Delta and Rachel.  Turns out that Rachel’s blind, no dead parents.  That explains the trouble with the camera.  Delta seems to enjoy the word Journey.  Delta’s advice on this song is to “talk to the universe”, which, on reflection, doesn’t mean anything all.  My girlfriend and I talk about how amazing it would be if Rachel wasn’t actually blind, I suggest throwing a ball at her to see if she flinches, my girlfriend responds by saying “they would have thrown balls at her before, that’s how they know”.  For the rest of the song I imagine the audition process where balls were piffed at young hopefuls as they belted out their favourite Pussy Cat Dolls number while Delta danced like the funkiest aunt at the whole wide wedding.  They throw to the ads and AGAIN with the weird talking, this time Joel is telling Seal that he loves Delta’s voice.  Keith stays out of it (probably knows the whole place is bugged).

8:23pm – Keith and Darren’s duet.  Keith has suggested they do a song of KEITH’S.  Darren reminds me of a not quite there Hugh Jackman.  I’ve lost a lot of interest, I think the blind girl will win, which seems alright, she seems nice, however, I imagine that if she does win, Delta will trick her into signing a contract because she can’t read and the contract will force her work in a mine.  Poor blind girl mining for Delta, still wearing the pretty dress she wore in the big finale but now it’s tattered and covered in soot.  “I was a singer for eight weeks”, she’ll say to no one in particular.  “You were NOTHING for eight weeks!!”, a leather clad mine master with a whip will respond, before sending her back down the shaft.  A man with a cockney accent will then pop up and yell after poor Rachel, who is stumbling on the uneven gravel floor that leads to the blood diamond deposit, “Miss Goodrem needs forty-five diamonds by the ARIA Awards, best not be letting her down, young lady!”  Rachel then starts to hum I Dreamed a Dream to herself.  “NO HUMMING”, the cockney man shrieks.  The boys stop singing.  Again, another weird “non-scripted” talking part, it’s a lot less spontaneous when Delta looks straight at the camera and then starts a panicky rant about how wonderful Keith is. 

8:31pm – I flick around and find an episode of American Chopper: Junior vs Senior. I’ll check twitter to see who wins.  

9:10pm – I change back at the perfect time, to see the announcement. The nose-ring girl won.  Seal hugs her for too long, then she’s forced to sing her single.  If only there was a place to buy it, thankfully the first thing said after the performance is by Darren with all the information I need to consume.  The show ends with the promise that they’ll be back next year and I’m left to ponder what happened to my two old friends, television and music.

Tagged competition, Delta Goodram, final, Keith Urban, Seal, some wanker with tats, The Voice, winner