In Retrospect: The Shittest Mainstream Releases Of 2014

In this Vulture exclusive we come to you already having broken our new years reso’s, one of which was to help others. By this we mean we’re giving you a list of shit songs to party your faces of to in years to come at 2014 themed parties that you’ll throw in your garage. This is our shittest mainstream releases of 2014. You’re welcome.

It’s no secret that 2014 was the year of the #selfie and so kicking off our list is the gem that The Chainsmokers delivered unto us which in turn lead to them fading back into obscurity and every basic bitch out there finally had an anthem to get crunk to.

While on the subject of basic bitches, a lot of them thought they could release music in 2014. From ex-Nickelodeon stars to slightly chunky girls to racist white girls – we’ve seen it all. The notorious I-G-G-Y made a name for herself as 2014’s Cher Horowitz with the music video gem that was ‘Fancy’, but all the yellow tartan in the world could not make up for the train wreck that was her Kill Bill inspired ‘Black Widow’ collab with the ever ridiculous Rita Ora.

If you ever wanted a body positivity anthem sung by a girl who’s “just a little bit curvy”, 2014 delivered with the mess that was Meghan Trainor’s ‘All About That Bass’. Calling out Hollywood standards about perfection is always a good thing to get on board with but when the “anthem” becomes musical herpes, we can’t wait until this one hit wonder fades all the way out.

Apart from all the body positivity and slight racism, one basic bitch rose above all to become the HBB (Head Basic Bitch) that crown goes to ex-Nickelodeon star turned “it” girl turned literal music turd Ariana Grande. If ever there were an award for “in everything but a shit sandwich” Grande would take the cake and the aforementioned turd.

2015 really needs to be the year that basic bitches disappear, or at the very least – the year Ariana Grande stops making music; one less one less basic bitch.

At long last we finally thought 2013 would be the last we saw of notorious asshole Robin Thicke; sadly we were wrong. Released in July, Thicke released his seventh album, which also served as a tribute to his estranged wife Paula Patton who left him after seemingly realizing who she married and after a handful of cheating allegations surfaced. The ever so cringe worthy album titled Paula sold 158 copies in its opening week in Australia and we’re still laughing.

Date rape seemed to be a thing this year that asshole “musicians” tried to cash in on. Rappers Play-N-Skillz teamed up with Redfoo, Lil Jon and someone named Enertia McFly to insult the world with ‘Blurred Lines’ sequel ‘Literally I Can’t’ and we literally can’t stomach the thought of anyone wanting to get into bed with any of these supposed musicians. Have you seen Redfoo?

Other things we literally couldn’t deal with in 2014 included U2 and Apple attacking our iClouds and apple devices with an album nobody asked for, or kept. Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea assaulting us with their oiled up ass-ets in ‘Booty’, Pitbull touching anything with his shiny, shiny head and Avril Lavigne getting all racist when she tried to get so kawaii with her ‘Hello Kitty’ hot mess of a music video.

As 2014 drew to a close we were left with a handful of tracks that could easily be classed as hits or misses depending on the 15 year old calling the shots. But seen as how 15 year olds don’t know decent music from their arse cheek, we get to keep going. One Direction sorta kinda tried to convince us that their girl was better than everyone else’s girl with ‘Steal My Girl’ … what? Bruno Mars tried to get all sorts of funky with ‘Uptown Funk’ but just got on everyone’s nerves and the queen of twerk Nicki Minaj broke the internet better than Kim Kardashian ever did with ‘Anaconda’ and left a lot of us jealous for some buns of our own.

In short 2014 was a hot damn mess and we can only hope 2015 is messier. Happy New Year bitches, from all of us at Vulture. Now stop reading this and go get white girl wasted.

By the way, we couldn’t go anywhere without a nod to Nickelback and the trash they threw at us this year. We’d point out what they did wrong but they know what they did.

Alex Parker

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