How Do You Get Your Porn?

There are only 4 types of people in this world who look up porn – the unsatisfied, the lonely, the sexually blossoming and everyone else in the world. It’s a topic that typically conjures negative connotations in the eyes of women and the religious sect, yet they’re still more than happy to hear the voluptuous Nigella Lawson describe her chocolate fondant with words like oozing, gooey and sumptuous and in the latter case, fondle themselves as well as any near-by page-boys to Botticelli paintings ‘til the cows come home. But imagine a world without porn. Kim Jung Il would’ve ridden his phallus shaped missiles, Dr Strangelove Style, right into the hole that is Texas long ago, George Bush would’ve stuttered and stammered in every presidential address infinite more times than he did when in office – which is a sc-sc-scary thought – & Julia Gillard would probably have already ousted herself as a fully fledged lesbian – and never introduced the world to the hilarious relationship she shares with Australia’s first man, Tim Matheson.

“Be sure to wipe down your keyboards and may god have mercy on your souls.”

 Pornography is like a lifelong version of the teenage rebellious drug phase Vulture Magazine went through in high school. There are the casual users – usually in a long term relationship, killing it with the ladies or maybe it’s just that weird guy from physics class that may be a-sexual – and the hardcore users. These are the guys whose family complain that the internet grinds to a halt every night after 10:00pm, the guys who can barely lift their right arm out of pain (the track marks of the pornography world) & the guys whose toilet paper consumption increased 10 fold upon their sexual maturity – yet claim all the scrunched up tissues that litter their room are due to that cold they can’t shake. Whatever the degree of your affliction, Vulture Magazine warns against getting caught by your mum or dad, the horrified look on their faces & following sit-down chat, is enough to make you want to clean up your act and go straight. Get caught twice and you’ll end up kicked out of home and getting your fix in the home entertainment section of JB HI-FI, just praying for a non-piper heavy episode of charmed to come on.

But where does everybody get their Porn? If you’ve got a creepy Dad who thinks they’re anything but creepy, you (disturbingly) look up websites like www.sweetfuxxx.com, and if you’re Vulture Magazine’s own Ed Quinn – it’s more than likely just watching Game of Thrones with a box of tissues on the bedside table, praying Kahleesi gets her baps out again. For those who haven’t mastered the incredibly difficult art of searching google, here is a list of places to visit to give your relationship with your hand &/or vibrator the shot in the arm it so desperately needs.

Kicking things off with the delicate ‘Hardcore’ genre, there is a lot of debate around the Vulture Magazine office over whether www.tube8.com, www.xhampster.com or www.redtube.xcom reigns supreme – but to para-phrase the little Mexican girl from the Ol El Paso ads “por quena las tres” (why don’t we have all three). www.tubegalore.com takes all videos from aforementioned sites & combines them into one easy to navigate site where you can search key-words such as “babysitter”, “grandma” and “double fisting” with ease. Since this site was introduced into to the Vulture Magazine office, production is up 52% (admittedly that is by & large testosterone production) and the tech guys had to put up a porn-blocker, but nevertheless it is still a great place to start when you’re looking to get to know your body in a more intimate manner. Try and steer clear of the HD videos, being able to see every pulsating willy vein in 1080p isn’t as enticing as one would think.

For those of you who haven’t updated your flash-player for a while at the risk of contracting a virus, you can still look up pictures of barely clad girls on www.sexy-photos.net and ensure you don’t catch any sort of virus (be it sexual or otherwise). Vulture Magazine, facebook friend to indie sluts world-wide, finds that googling their names can also yield positive results of ‘artsy’ photo-shoots where mounds and or bush are present, in what can only be described as an (entirely regrettable) attempt to be a ‘free-spirit’

For those who have no shame in face-to-face contact with the register attendant – who is likely to judge you with scorn – newsagents do still sell pornographic magazines. From the classic ‘PlayBoy’ & ‘Penthouse’, to the slightly more postmodern ‘Midget & Son’. We are legally obliged to warn you of the possibility of paper-cuts & potential of semen particles flying into your eye as you wrestle open stuck together pages, but that’s part of the risk one takes when tackling printed options. However if you’re computer illiterate (LOLROFLMAO – try get your head around that) this may be your only option. Upon writing this I realised the computer illiterate would have no way of reading this guide, so this paragraph is essentially null & void.

If you are trapped in a relationship with a girl whose sexual appetite doesn’t quite keep up to pace with yours, there are a few options that will allow you to seem like a great guy whilst still getting your fill of T&A. You could take your girl on a date to the Gallery of Victoria and stare at paintings of bits & bobs while seeming sophisticated, or cunningly suggest an art-house play – a goldmine of short-haired strumpets who are more than willing to get their kit off for the sake of their art/your boner. I must, however, dole out another warning that relates to the above options, mainly for those of you who still have a hard-working Mother doing your laundry. The possibility of a hint of pre-cum dribbling into your Bonds is high, so before an awkward confrontation with your Mum – who has just febreezed your jocks into oblivion – soak your sullied goods in the sink with warm water before throwing them in the wash basket (thank me later).

So there you have it… a pretty comprehensive list of options for those of you whose tumescence has only been countered by going through the junk mail and looking at the ladies underwear section of Target Catalogues. Be sure to wipe down your keyboards and may god have mercy on your souls.

Alex Mckinnon

1 Comment

  1. Avatar
    Old Mate May 22, 2012

    God this Alex Mckinnon guy can structure a sentence nicely.

    Reply

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