Cousin Lucy’s Excessive Wisdom: How To Make Anyone Hate You

Dickhead definition

Hey friends, how’s your week been? Mine has been spent in a characteristically grumpy mood. A lot of this is because I am often hungover, but a large part is also due to the presence of other people and their idiocy. I know this sounds like a rude and obnoxious statement, but that’s only because I’m a pretty rude and obnoxious kind of person. So it got me thinking, what are the quickest ways to piss people off, and I’ve come up with this guide on how to make anyone hate you.

I’m not just talking about slurping on your straw at the end of your milkshake (let’s face it, that’s hilarious, I feel like Macaulay Culkin when I do that), or being a terrible driver (actually, this is one of the quickest ways but we all know it already), but the little things that will immediately slap a virtual “FUCKHEAD” sticker on that person’s forehead.

1. Wear Crocs.

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I don’t care how comfortable these shoes apparently are, I don’t care if you only wear them “gardening” or “when you just pop down to the shops”. These shoes scream “I have given up”. Crocs are, objectively, fucking stupid. They are unnecessary and a burden on our society, an example of the innovation of capitalism gone too far. You want comfort? Put on some thongs or some uggies. You want ease of wear? Try any fucking shoe, it literally takes five seconds to put on a shoe, if you have issues navigating the dreaded shoelace, then get some fucking velcro closures. But do you want everyone in the world to hate you? Then by all means, slap on some fucking Crocs.

2. Be a slow walker.

Walking in front of me, eh? Strolling through a busy shopping or business district? Just taking it all in? Deciding what you’re gonna have for lunch? Haha, go ahead man. Take your time, don’t worry about every other person walking around you at a brisk and efficient pace. In case you didn’t realise, I’m being totally sarcastic. Unless you have a disability or a physical reason that causes you to walk slower than everyone else, in which case I’m truly sorry and of course you should walk at a pace that you are comfortable with. But if this isn’t you, and you really want to grind people’s gears, then slow right down, my friend. Take out your phone and have a text or a scroll while you’re at it, while you’re at it, make sure you meander to the right. Automatic hatred achieved.

3. Point out someone’s acne.

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There are two types of pimples. The first type involve little tiny blemishes that feel itchy and uncomfortable, that you are sure the world is staring at but in reality no one notices until you yourself point it out. Then there’s the kind of acne that makes you look like you have a pizza for a face. It’s never fun and unless you are Chris Hemsworth or some kind of genetic freak, you probably have a few pimple horror stories locked in your vault.

And the only thing worse than having a gross pus ball on your face is having some fucker point it out, as if you didn’t already know. As if you are going to tip your cap, saying, “Oh my goodness! Wow, I didn’t realise I had this disease shit on my face, but now that you have pointed it out, friend, I can now go and get rid of it somehow! Thank you good sir!” What the fuck. If you want to instantly make an enemy for life, point out someone’s acne. I’m still biding my time until I murder you, guy from my year 9 geography class.

4. Be a child.

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Trying to figure out who is more annoying out of children or their parents is a kind of chicken-egg situation. Sure, that fucking kid over there putting fucking spaghetti on his head and whining about wanting something else and putting all kinds of fucking shit in his glass of Coke is probably the most annoying creature in the universe, but then so is the parent who has brought him into a public arena and allowed him to behave in such a way. Parents tend to believe that while children are, as a rule, shit; their child is the obvious exception.

The best way to get everyone that both knows you and doesn’t know you to hate you is to have a spawn, talk about it constantly (“Oh, Georgia is very advanced for her age, yes, she’s far ahead of the others in her class at reading. She likes red. She did a poo this morning, she’s really becoming quite regular”), assume that it is the duty of the world and everyone in it to cater to you and your child’s needs; and let them run amok in public because how else can they express themselves? Ugh. Just sit the fuck down.

5. Be an asshole.

Okay, I’ll admit that while wearing Crocs and being a parent (or a child) are annoying as fuck, they are not inherently evil practices. Hey, on a good day, when I’ve had my Red Bull and the sun is shining I might even chuckle fondly at these idiots. What I won’t chuckle at is someone being a genuinely giant piece of shit of a person.

If you really want the world to hate you, begin by not educating yourself to anyone else’s world view or experience then spewing a bunch of opinions in a public forum. Do you think gays are unnatural, or women need to shut up, or people from other races are violent/evil/some other dumb stereotype? Then you should definitely get on the internet and get commenting, my friend. Make comments eluding your views to your co-workers, this will make them very uncomfortable and likely to begin hating you. Finish by clapping yourself on the back and ranting about “free speech” “free country” and “Straya cunt”.

6. Post spoilers.

Only yesterday was I perusing my favourite social media feed, casually checking out funny pictures of animals, silly memes and such; when all of a sudden I was slapped in the face with a big spoiler of the Game of Thrones episode I had yet to view. I was immediately incensed: I calculated that the episode would have only aired in the US half an hour ago, and I believe in a strong policy of not posting spoilers for a day after an episode airs. Any longer than that, you’re not a real fan and you probably won’t care. But come on, half an hour? Why do people even do this? Can you really not just keep it to yourself for a bit? Is your opinion that important? If you do need to post something, is it really that hard to just, I don’t know, not reveal any major plot points?

If you do think this is too hard, congratulations, I hate you. And I’ll say to you the same thing I said to the guy who posted the spoiler yesterday: “u fuking dick!!!!1!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!”

Think about it.

Cheers,

Lucy xoxoxo

Lucy Wood

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