Cousin Lucy’s Excessive Eurovision

Greetings, friends! It’s that time of year again, a time of insanity and majesty. Eurovision. I like to think of Eurovision like a big beautiful bird that hibernates then wakes up for one real weekend a year so the world can marvel at its beautiful plumage, weird fucked up movements and ear-splitting, amazing song. Sorry, I’m a bit sick right now and am drinking a lot of Lemsip.

I love Eurovision because we have nothing like it anywhere else in the world, and isn’t it nice that America isn’t involved? I know they probably don’t care because they’re on season 48 of American Idol anyway, but Eurovision is where the real magic happens. Where else would you find a guy performing on a golf buggy (Eurovision 2008)? That chick who almost gave birth during her performance (Eurovision 1988)? ABBA? It’s a place for the best of the best, la crème de la crème, as the French say. Here we go.

1. Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk – ‘Tick Tock’

Eurovision 2014 Ukraine

The best thing about this performance being the first was that it was the one with the giant hamster wheel. I think the insane props and stage productions are one of the best bits about Eurovision, and so a dude running around in a giant hamster wheel – or “mamster wheel” as I’ve heard it called – simply made me shake my head in delight. What does it all mean? Singer Mariya Yaremchuk’s song was called ‘Tick Tock’, sadly nothing like Ke$ha’s hit, so maybe the spinning of the wheel was meant to be some sort of metaphor for time … Who knows. Who cares.

2. Belarus: Teo – ‘Cheesecake’

Eurovision 2014: Belarus

I wasn’t really sure if the name Teo referred to the band as a whole or just the one guy that sang. The others had microphones, though? They kind of had a bit of a Pussycat Dolls thing going on. A Pussycat Dolls made up of smooth men with cool goatees and relaxed tuxedos. These guys kept it simple prop-wise and let their hips do the talking, and their song ‘Cheesecake’ was all about a guy who is sick of his lady calling him cheesecake! I love that so much, who the fuck calls their lover cheesecake? Is it a Belarussian thing? Am I lost in translation? My mum used to call me pumpkin as a child and it made me feel fat and orange so I can kind of relate.

3. Azerbaijan: Dilara – ‘Start A Fire’

Eurovision 2014 Azerbaijan

This one from Dilara was a sweet romantic ballad, and I was initially excited because she had an acrobat friend swinging all over the place. That was cool, remember these guys get points for crazy props and dancers. Not points from judges and voting European countries, but from me, which I think we all know is what really matters. Dilara and her acrobat friend had matching fiery red outfits, although the acrobat had genie pants instead of a skirt for obvious reasons (skirt would get caught in the ceiling fan, etc). To be honest this song was very boring and did the opposite of starting my fire. It poured cold KFC gravy on me, metaphorically. Next.

4. Iceland: Pollaponk – ‘No Prejudice’

Eurovision 2014 Iceland

This was, without a doubt, the most fucked up entry in Eurovision 2014. Pollaponk were a bunch of old guys dressed like Wiggles/Teletubbies hybrids and jammed out to their ska/pop punk song ‘No Prejudice’. Honestly, I loved that, I think there’s always a special place for political and ideological messages to go hand in hand with Eurovision. But anyway, I imagined the members of Pollaponk to all be insane middle age divorcees and this performance was a meth-induced group hallucination, and they were all actually hanging out in one of their backyards screaming and strumming sticks and old deck chairs instead of guitars.

5. Norway: Carl Espen – Silent Storm

Eurovision 2014 Norway

This performance was only notable because it was the first use of a smoke machine and you can never have enough smoke machine. Apart from that, it was pretty boring, and I hate to say that because he seems like a really lovely, strong gentle carpenter man. I have to admit I am a bit prejudiced against ballads, I find they make me want to weep myself to sleep and there is no place for any song without synths in Eurovision. Nevertheless, although I would like Carl Espen to make his song Silent Storm even more silent, I would enjoy watching him fashion a desk or large ornamental bookcase or something.

6. Romania: Paula Seling and OVI – ‘Miracle’

Eurovision 2014

Now this shit was the complete opposite of old mate Carl from Norway, this was camp pop Eurovision at its finest. This is the kind of song that I want to crank on my fully sick sound system in my WRX while I do a mainy on a Saturday night. This song made me want to fistpump. And this was all BEFORE they brought out this crazy keyboard? I hope you guys watched this, this piano/keyboard shit was so cool and the guy playing wasn’t even looking at the keys, he was too busy having a fucking GREAT time. These guys really gave it their all and I was officially impressed.

7. Armenia: Aram MP3 – ‘Not Alone’

Eurovision 2014

This guy looked like a super sad vampire and was dressed like something out of Star Trek. I wasn’t sure what the logo on his jacket was because it looked important, like maybe it was the Eurovision emblem or his country’s flag or something? I don’t know, I am horribly uneducated because I was only born last week in a bin. My housemate said this guy looked like a pedophile and you would probably find him hiding in the slippery dip at the playground. Gives a whole new meaning to ‘Not Alone’, hey? I’m sorry, not sorry. Also I found out later that this guy is actually a pharmacist. That’s great. Fill yourself a prescription of new songs.

8. Montenegro: Sergej Ćetković – ‘Moj Svijet’

Eurovision 2014

I had no idea what this guy was singing about as it was in his native language of whatever they speak in Montenegro (again, I am a useless freak born in a bin) so I had to judge him entirely on his ice skating friend. I found his song gentle and mysterious, which was a plus, and I was also mystified as to what exactly this girl was skating on. Was it ice? Did she not actually have ice skates on but some kind of high-tech heelys? We will never know. This guy seemed like a nice guy that you might pass on the street, and the whole time he smiled apologetically like he was a prospective employer who had to tell you that unfortunately they’ve decided to go in a different direction, best of luck for the future. Yeah, same to you, Sergej.

9. Poland: Donatan & Cleo – ‘My Słowanie (We Are Slavic)’

Eurovision 2014 Poland

The introduction to this song said that it was a “tribute to all that is classy” and “an ode to domestic duties”, shortly before also saying that “parental guidance is suggested”. These three phrases in the same sentence was the weirdest thing ever and let me tell you guys, I was not disappointed. The song was a kind of trap beat which was screamed/rapped over by a bunch of slurry looking traditional Pole dancing types. I soon realised what they meant by “domestic duties” and “parental guidance” when some backup dancers came up and began churning butter and scrubbing clothes in a VERY suggestive manner. Don’t worry, I am already writing a stern letter to the European Union. You know, I don’t know why people insist on making cleaning look sexy, I can’t think of anything less desirable than cleaning. But c’est la vie, these Polish girls could make anything look good, like congrats on your boobs. I actually really liked this one, it was super insane and very energetic. I guess sex appeal is always appealing.

10. Greece: Freaky Fortune feat. Riskykidd – ‘Rise Up’

Eurovision 2014 Greece

These boys were cool, sexy and Greek and I was definitely all about it. Their song sounded like the next big club hit, it wasn’t about anything in particular as far as I could tell, as they just sang “rise up, rise up, rise up” for about nine years. But it was a cool, infectious beat, and they were cool, good looking guys. Now, I was settling in, enjoying the bland, inoffensive dance/pop, when nek minit, they’re jumping about all over the place on a trampoline? Shit, Greece knows how to have a great time. I am setting this song as my new alarm in the morning. Rise up, bitch.

11. Austria: Conchita Wurst – ‘Rise Like A Phoenix’

Eurovision 2014 Austria

Now if you care about Eurovision or even watched it at all you’ll know this was the one to watch … and she certainly lived up to the expectations. Now this is drama, people. This is majesty. This is what Eurovision is all about. Conchita is a real-life diva – throughout her performance she stood perfectly still but it was never boring – her face was as powerful and expressive as her vocals. She wore her dress, beard and makeup flawlessly, she really just nailed it. They’ve been calling ‘Rise Like A Phoenix’ a Bond theme song and that was right on the money, but I like to think it’s her theme song in the movie of her life where she saves the world from the haters. Yaaaaaaasss.

12. Germany: Elaiza – ‘Is it Right?’

Eurovision 2014 Germany

Elaiza had some sweet accordion action going on, a haircut like Robyn and a voice like a powerful diva and it still bored the hell out of me. I’m sorry, girl. It would suck to go on after Conchita anyway but this was like some weird band march or something? Maybe Miley Cyrus’ next hit? I don’t know, I’m very sick right now and I feel like my head is filled with bees. I loved her accordion player and double bass player though, they were all smiles.

13. Sweden: Sanna Neilsen – ‘Undo’

Eurovision 2014 Sweden

This chick had the voice of an angel and the face of a mega babe glamazon. She looked like Evening Wear Barbie and I loved it. Remember what I said about ballads and how I hate them? Shut the fuck up, Lucy. I’m crying. This song made me want to call all of my exes and raise my face up to the rain and let the elements cleanse me of my sorrow. Not much more to say, really. As my housemate said, the whole package. 10/10 well done Sanna Neilsen and Sweden. Sanna can undo our sad anyday.

14. France: Twin Twin – ‘Moustache’

Eurovision 2014 France

These guys were one of my absolute favourites in the whole competition – everything about them screams I should hate it, but I just can’t! The whole song is about their mate who told them it’d be cool to grow a moustache, and they kind of reminded me of a not horrible LMFAO. The main guy’s hair looks like Astroboy or some shit and I don’t know what is going on with this naked guy with the face paint but I respect it. They just look like the kind of guys with whom I want to party all night and then go grab a sweet brunch from a patisserie the next morning. Vive La France!

15. Russia: Anastasia and Maria Tolmachevy – ‘Shine

Eurovision 2014 Russia

Twins, eh. You guys all know by now I’m a sucker for a good gimmick and these ladies had ‘em in spades. First of all, their hair was attached, I mean what the fuck. How did they even get onto the stage? Second of all, they performed on some kind of wack see-saw, which looked pretty fun, and THEN they bring out these clear Perspex lightsaber things. It was all very Sailor Moon meets Game of Thrones or something. Thank the Eurovision gods they had all these things going on though because the song itself was BORING AS HELL.

16. Italy: Emma – ‘La Mia Citta’

Eurovision 2014 Italy

I’m just going to talk about this chick’s look really because while I know it’s technically called the Eurovision SONG contest, this “song” really just sounded like out of key yelling. She rocked out hard though and gave it her all, but who cares really because her outfit was FANTASTIC. I bet Katy Perry was watching and yelling down the phone at her stylist about why she didn’t this look first. Emma looked like a sexy Roman goddess, probably not Minerva though if you know what I mean, geddit? #ancientreligionreference #Minervagoddessofmusic

17. Slovenia: Tinkara – ‘Round and Round’

Eurovision 2014 Slovenia

Fuck yeah girl. Work that flute. That’s all I can say, I’m lagging, I think I need some Cup-a-Soup. Or a shot of whiskey. I don’t even know what to say about this chick because I don’t care, except she was dressed like an evil Disney queen. I liked her moves though, and the way she kind of wielded the flute like a weapon. Inventive.

18. Finland: Soft Engine – ‘Something Better’

Eurovision 2014

I guess you could say this boy band is so rad they’re about to FINNISH one direction … Boom. Although I was informed by Julia Zemiro on SBS that they do not consider themselves a boy band. Apparently their song is about an old, old man filled with regret. Good, at least some pop music has depth. Do you know what, I didn’t even mind their song that much either. It was quite inspiring, had a cool, uptempo beat, and these boys are clearly talented musicians. I also enjoyed their glittery silver suits. I bet Zayn and Harry and Ellen DeGeneres and the rest of the members of 1D are sweating nervously.

19. Spain: Ruth Lorenzo – ‘Dancing in the Rain’

Eurovision 2014 Spain

Sweet! I get it! The song is called ‘Dancing in the Rain’ and her hair was all wet. Ruth’s performance won my award for best lighting and special effects, it looked like it was raining inside the arena but it wasn’t? Very classy. It also won my award for most terrible song, holy shit I hated this so much. This sounds like the kind of shitty inspirational bland empty song they write for whatever pleb wins Australian Idol. Man she has quite a creepy stare and she screamed a lot. I did not enjoy. A for effort, but no.

20. Switzerland: Sebalter – ‘Hunter of Stars’

Eurovision 2014

What exactly is a hunter of stars? I never did find out, because I was too distracted by the sexiness of this sexy whistling man who called himself Sebalter. Damn, boy. I wanted to marry him and have him whistle at our wedding. I didn’t really think much of this song, sorry, but let’s face it. He could do an acapella screamo version of the Play School theme song and I’d still blow him a kiss. Additionally, you’ve got to give him credit for his wide range of talents – beautiful face, fun whistling skills, not to mention he ROCKED OUT on the fiddle. This is Eurovision at its finest. Sure, the song was wack, but damn if I wasn’t entertained.

21. Hungary: Andras Kallay – ‘Running’

Eurovision 2014

I’ve always been a fan of pairing a catchy, infectious beat with heavy-hitting song topics and so Andras Kallay’s ‘Running’ was a hit with me. Domestic violence and child abuse don’t make for song lyrics to sing along happily to in the car but you respect the hell out of it and maybe post the lyrics as your status on Facebook. His contemporary dancers in the background seemed a little So You Think You Can Dance. Just unnecessary. Like what are they adding towards this entertainment? Nothing. Leave them home, next time, Andras. Unless you bringing them to Copenhagen was so they could escape their abusive families, then we understand.

22. Malta: Firelight – ‘Coming Home’

Eurovision 2014 Malta

This band just looked like a big, beautiful happy family, playing their musical instruments together and having a great time. I liked the main guy – I liked his beautiful smile, I liked his rich voice and I liked his little pooch belly. They reminded me a lot of a Malta version of Mumford and Sons. Malta and Sons. Nice.

23. Denmark: Basim – ‘Clichéd Love Song’

Eurovision 2014 Denmark

Scooby dooby doo, I love you, Basim. I say scooby dooby doo because that was the main lyric from this song, and with lyrics like that, you know it’s going to be a winner. This guy was just straight up beautiful. I want to hang out with him and his insane backup dancers. I was very impressed with those backup dancers, I hope they checked their email straight after the competition to find they were just CRAMMED with offers to go on tour with Lady Gaga or whatever. This was just catchy, inoffensive pop fun at its best. If Bruno Mars and Fred Savage had a child, it would be this guy.

24. Netherlands: The Common Linnets – ‘Calm After The Storm’


This song sounds like some crap my mum would crank on one of our road trips we made as a child. Not that there is anything particularly bad about a bit of smooth country, in fact, it’s nice to change it up a bit, but it didn’t really blow up my brass razoo if you know what I mean. Is this Taylor Swift from 10 years in the future?? Damn, singing, acting, and now time travel … The girl does it all.

25. San Marino: Valentina Monetta – ‘Maybe’

San Marino Eurovision 2014

I do love me some dramatic piano, and this chick knew what she was doing when it came to the props. She sang out of a giant seashell thing, I had to clap at that. I do love the drama. I didn’t really think much of the operatic song itself but I suppose it could be a good song to do at a karaoke bar if I was ever drunk and in San Marino. Where is San Marino anyway? Isn’t that a pasta? No, that is San Remo. Honestly sometimes I wonder how I’m allowed outside the house and to operate heavy machinery.

26. United Kingdom: Molly – ‘Children Of The Universe’

Eurovision 2014

I was curious to see the UK’s entry because honestly all I can remember them entering in the past is a bunch of old grannies. This chick had a pretty top 40-worthy song and I really loved her outfit. Feathers, cool. Gladiator sandals, not so much. She seemed kinda nervous though? I don’t know why, there’s only 180 million people watching you. NO IDEA what the fuck she was singing about. Children of the universe? Dancing on the edge of time? Can’t more people just sing about their pets? Like really. Anyway, this girl gave it her all and had token ethnics on stage with her to get her point across. Just a lovely young lass in a cool feathery get up. Call me, Molly, let’s go for a beer.

But who will win?

Just kidding, we all know who won. It was me, I won. While the actual winner was ruined for me in this day and age of the internet before I had the chance to view the competition as a whole, I still loved being able to watch the whole thing unfold. I laughed, I cried, I cheered, I went and got a snack, I almost fell asleep at times, other times I had an uncomfortable look on my face. But mostly I loved it.

This year’s Eurovision Song Contest Winner was Conchita Wurst and no one deserved it more, in terms of performance, glamour, spectacle and X-factor. I think we were all a bit intrigued at first with the whole beard thing, and before I’d seen any of her performances I myself thought it might be a bit of a gimmick. But the overwhelming discussion surrounding Conchita and the further commentary on LGBT issues has been so positive, something I was really jazzed to see.

At the same time, I was pretty pissed to hear that the Tolmachevy sisters were booed following one of their performances, simply because they are Russian. Just because we all know Putin is a big old turd who needs to go live alone in a small aquarium doesn’t mean his actions and views reflect those of a few beautiful, talented young performers. Imagine if the world judged Australians on Tony Abbott! HA! *tears of hilarity turn to tears of desperation*

Eurovision is a celebration of diversity, fun, insanity and of course, music, and this years was no different. I like to think of the whole world as a big Eurovision contest – when the old guy who wears plastic bling goes into a supermarket and walks around the store singing opera, I think, whatever. The weirder the better, man. When a chick goes to the cinema wearing roller blades, I think, hey girl, be careful on those stairs, and also, right on. It’s all about acceptance and appreciating difference.

Anyway, that’s all for me. Excuse me while I go grow a beard and travel everywhere via seesaw. Until next year! #isurvivedeurovision2014

Lucy Wood


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